Three dwarves in America?
by Samhoku
Summary: This is my way of saving the dwarves from destruction. Slight spoilers in the beginning, not too obvious. But of course, knowing PJ, he might have them live. Rated T for safety and possibly innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: If you read my other stories, King Stick Up The Butt is a common name for Thorin. :p**

Chapter.

Kili thought he was dead. He had felt a sharp pain, many sharp pains, actually. Then nothing, blackness. It gave way to a bright light then more darkness. Kili started to open his eyes and he heard voices. One of them was Thorin's. He was arguing with a female, apparently.

"I am a dwarf from Middle Earth! I was not this tall in middle earth, I insist you send me back. My nephews were being wounded mortally, I don't understand why we are here." Kili opened his eyes and saw that his uncle was facing off with a very strange looking women. She was very tall and was wearing all black clothes and had her hair spiked with piercings. Kili shook his head and moaned, thinking he must be having a nightmare.

The women put her hands on her hips and seemed to be giving Thorin a run for his money, "Look, dude. I have no doubt you aren't from here, but I can tell you now that you are not a dwarf. At 5ft 8 you are a human man. Comic-con or not."

Kili started to get up again, shaking his head. He tried to stand but his new height prohibited him. Kili gripped unto the furniture arm and tried to stand again. He instantly looked around for his brother. Fili was having the same problem as him, only Fili was taking baby steps forward, trying to figure this out. The massive change was too much to adjust to at once.

The women looked at them both and said, "Ah, you are awake. My name is DJ, your uncle calls me a Common Town Whore. I like to call him King Stick up the Butt." She watched them as they struggled, not offering any help, "And what are your names?"

Kili stood up to his new height, amazed by it. He was taller then DJ. DJ was 5ft 9, so that meant that Kili had to be 6ft. Kili offered his hand as he kept his one hand on the solid chair, "I am Kili. This is my twin brother Fili."

DJ watched as Fili fell over and struggled to regain his footing, "It wasn't my idea to bring you in the house. My cousin found you men and said that I had to watch you while she was at work. She is a photographer. Nature, actually. Not like you need to know that. I expect you to behave like gentlemen when she comes in. She will be home soon, you have been out for hours."

DJ walked away and listened to them struggle with a self satisfied smirk. She was ordered to help them, but she didn't want to. DJ heard her cousin's car drive up and she walked to the door to greet her.

The girl stumbled in with her camera around her neck and juggling some newly framed photographs. She almost collided with DJ and dropped the photos, "DJ!"

DJ caught the photos with ease and gave her cousin a grin, "Hi. The Thorin one is an idiot. May I kill him?"

"Um. No. I believe that is illegal."


	2. Chapter 2

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: **

Chapter.

DJ put the frames on one of the tables and gently took the girl's camera and flipped through the pictures, "These are nice, Alice." She handed the camera back then turned to the gawking dwarves. They lacked tacked, that would need to be taught to them if they were to survive. But in a way DJ understood. Alice was 5ft 6in, had fiery red hair, and she was dressed in a way that flattered her figure without being inappropriate. Currently she was wearing jeans and a tunic type shirt, very comfortable and perfect for nature shoots.

Alice came in and gave the three dwarves a brilliant smile, "Hello." She shook Fili's hand then Kili's then Thorin's, "My name is Alice, what are your names?" They looked like she should know them, but she wasn't positive.

Thorin took the liberty in introducing them, "My name is Thorin, these are my nephews, Fili and Kili. It is an honor to meet you."

Alice nodded slowly, taking in the cuts and bruises that they had. Small golden flecks were coming and disappearing. Some type of magic that was healing these men. She had no doubt in her mind that they were telling the truth.

Alice looked up at the three formally dwarf men, "You both grew quite a bit. When I first found you, you were still dwarves." She walked away from them and into the kitchen, "Is there anything you don't like to eat?"

Thorin cleared his throat and said, "Vegetables are not our favorite, but as long as it is not the only thing to eat we will be fine." He looked at his nephews and gave them a look that clearly said to behave. Thorin went to go try and apologize to DJ. If they were to live here they had to be on good terms. Only DJ didn't seem very interested on becoming on good terms.

Kili and Fili stayed where they were, too scared to move. Kili finally took a full step forward. He balanced for a moment then gave his brother a brilliant grin, "I am walking, brother!"

Fili laughed uproariously, "Good job, little baby! Keep walking!" He snickered as Kili searched for something to throw at him.

Kili made his way across the room and back before collapsing on the couch. He looked at Fili and grinned. Fili did not want to try that yet, so he decided to be satisfied in sitting down on a chair.

A few moments later a black haired girl came crashing into the room. She stumbled and caught herself, looking around the room, "Uh...Uh...Who am I looking for?" The girl looked frustrated then yelled, "DJ!"

DJ made a hissing noise and came out, handing her a beer, "What? Stop screaming like a witch and drink this bear."

The girl looked at the beer then tossed it towards Thorin, "Catch." She didn't look to see if he did, but she tilted her chin up and said dryly, "Look, Mom kicked me out."

DJ looked at the guys who were now gawking for a different reason. This girl was very unusual and didn't seem to care about their presence. DJ gestured to the girl, "This is Marie. Marie, this is Kili, Fili, and Thorin."

Marie just nodded to them then asked in a more vulnerable voice, "DJ, I have nowhere else to go. I can't go to dad, you know I have a restraining order on him."

DJ sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, "Fine. Alice is in the kitchen, you can stay if you help around the house." She looked at the guys, "She is 22, but she was helping her mom by babysitting her younger siblings. It is a bad situation all around." DJ watched as Thorin tried to figure out the beer can, she walked over and opened it, taking a swig then handing it back, "We like to call that Tax. Enjoy."

Kili had to hold in hysterical laughter. His uncle's face was priceless.


	3. Chapter 3

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment:Can't spell Heram. xD**

Chapter.

DJ stalked around the house as she tried to find sleeping places for her new housemates. She grumbled to herself then happened to look out the window in time to see her sister acting like Cramer. Briar crashed through the door and announced her presence with, "Behold! I have entered the room! Everyone, bow to my impressive intelligence and beauty."

DJ face palmed, her sister really was pretty, but she had a tendency to beat herself up. DJ ran downstairs to get to her before she could say anything obnoxious to the dwarves. Briar looked at the three men in the room and put her hands behind her back, rocking back and forth on her heels, "Why hello. Does my sister own a Heram now?"

DJ stopped short and cursed, "I couldn't get to you fast enough! **** *** **** ******" As she swore she stomped around and then gave Briar the evil eye.

The women looked at the three dwarves and gave them a cheeky grin, "I will take that as a no." She ran off into the kitchen, "ALICE! Alice down the rabbit hole!" They heard Alice laugh and say, "Help yourself to some cheese, crazy one."

Marie came out of the kitchen looking traumatized, "DJ. Your sister gave me a huge hug without me expecting it. I almost had a heart attack."

DJ huffed and gestured towards the upstairs, "The attic is insulated so I am putting the three..." She eyed the dwarves and said, "Dwarf men, in there. Marie, you can share a room with Alice, I got another bed to fit in there."

Marie nodded once and sat between the two dwarf twins, looking from one to the other, "So. Since we are all going to be housemates, I suppose we should all get to know one another."

Thorin said dryly, "I would settle on becoming on good terms with the house owner." He was already used to his new height, he had walked around frequently to get used to it.

Marie shrugged then looked back at the two twins, "Okay, so who's older? I am assuming you are brothers, you look close enough alike."

Fili looked at Kili then shrugged, "I am older, I suppose. We are twins." He glanced at his uncle, unable to figure out what the strange people were going to be like.

Marie nodded once then looked at their clothes, "Wow. You are dressed like you came from a Comic-con. We need to get you guys some different clothes."

Kili said Cheekily, "Getting me out of mine would be preferable." The room went dead silent before DJ busted out with laughter. DJ started crying she was laughing so hard.

Marie just stared at Kili and Kili raised his eyebrows at her. Marie smacked his arm and scolded, "Be appropriate."

Thorin couldn't believe what his nephew just said. He was humiliated, his face went red and he place his hand over his eyes.

Alice came in and saw everyone's expression and asked carefully, "What just happened?"

Marie covered Kili's mouth before he could repeat it, "He is being very naughty."


	4. Chapter 4

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: So, Alice and Kili or Marie and Kili? I would like feedback on this before I start the next chapter.**

Chapter.

Kili licked Marie's hand immaturely, trying to get her hand off his mouth. Marie pulled her hand away and shook it, very grossed out. Alice shook her head and put the tea down in front of them, "I don't know if you like tea or not, but I brought some out." She looked over at Thorin and commented, "But it looks as if DJ gave you a beer."

Kili picked up one of the tea cups and drank some of the tea. He looked over at Fili and was hiding a mischievous grin. He was obviously plotting another inappropriate remark.

DJ by now had finally calmed down and looked at them. She picked up one of the tea cups and drank some tea, "Yummm..." DJ walked out of the room, "Needs more sugar."

Briar came into the room with a plate of cookies, "Alice has decided to force me to serve you cookies while she cooks dinner." She went around the room until they each had a cookie then ran off with three, giggling to herself.

Marie ate her cookie and kept shooting Kili irritated glares. Kili still played innocent as he drank his tea.

Fili looked at Marie and poked her gently, "Don't kill my brother please. I like having him around. Free entertainment."

Marie huffed and then raised an eyebrow at him, "Fine, just for your Blondey." She stood up and went into the other room to help Alice again. So now three of the women were gone and they were left with DJ.

DJ took Marie's place between the brothers and crossed one knee over the other. She looked from one to the other then at Thorin, "So. Marie is right, we need to get you boys some new clothes. You won't be able to leave the house until you do. I am pretty sure our controlling government would love to do nasty experiments on you."

DJ cracked her neck then looked thoughtful, "I will take Thorin to the store to get new clothes. Alice will take Kili on her free time. Marie will take Fili. I will have Briar come with me so I don't kill Mr. Stick Up His Butt. Good plan?"

Kili nodded once, that sounded fine with him. He finished off his tea and then leaned back in the chair, "So, is this today or tomorrow? The shopping? If that is what you call it."

DJ looked at him dryly, "Not today, we will go tomorrow." She stood up and went to set the table, "Fili, Kili, start practice walking because...you are going to need to do a lot of walking."


	5. Chapter 5

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: So, Alice and Kili or Marie and Kili? I would like feedback on this before I start the next chapter.**

Chapter.

Thorin was very grumpy in the morning, he did not want to go with Briar and DJ to the store. He did not want to see people. Especially at this ungodly hour in the morning. Thorin glared at the clock that said it was 4:00AM. Briar cheerfully told him that no stores were opened until 10, making Thorin very cranky indeed. He rolled out of bed and hit the floor with a thump, successfully waking Fili up from his sleep. Fili made an odd sound and also sat up, not doing what his Uncle had done.

Thorin found some clothes that DJ had apparently left for them. It had a note on it, _My brother lent me some clothes so you don't look like complete weirdos when we take you shopping. I think you will be able to tell which are yours and which are your nephews._

Thorin huffed and put on the strange clothes. They were oddly comfortable, but it felt very strange. Thorin looked at Fili, handed him an outfit, and said, "Get your brother up." He walked down the stairs and sat at the table in the kitchen, "Food."

Alice raised an eyebrow at Thorin and said, "Yes, that is what I am making. But you have to be a patient little boy." She felt kind of happy that Thorin didn't have very much energy in the morning.

Fili stumbled down the stairs next with Marie close behind. Marie looked like a zombie as she sat at the table. Fili didn't look much better and they all got very angry when Kili came down the stairs in a preppy manner.

Kili sat in the chair and looked around curiously. He grinned at Alice and said cheerfully, "Good morning!"

Alice grinned back and replied, "Good morning!" She gave them each a plate of food then delivered Briar and DJ's food, seeing that they would not leave the living room unless there was a fire, and even then it would be debatable. Alice went back into the kitchen and ate her breakfast with the guys and Marie.

Kili thought it would be funny to hit on Marie, "You know, you never took me up on that offer from yesterday." He raised an eyebrow at her and yelped when she punched him in the shoulder. It wasn't a light hit and Marie was no weakling.

Marie growled, "Don't mess with me, Princess. I am tired and I just woke up." She ate her food while glaring at the world. Fili was holding back a laugh as his brother rubbed his arm with a wounded expression.

Alice shook her head and scolded Kili lightly, "Leave Marie alone, everyone but you and me are tired."

Kili slowly got a cheeky grin and asked, "So would you like to take me up on the offer?"

Alice gave him a look and said, "No thank you." She ate her food, getting a regal expression on her face. Then when Kili looked away to torture Fili she flicked a fried potato at him.

Kili gave her a surprised expression, this women was passive. He got an evil grin, she could be fun to tease.


	6. Chapter 6

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: I picked Alice and Kili. Seems logical.**

Chapter.

Briar, DJ, and Thorin left first. DJ was eager to get this over with. She got in the car and so did Briar but Thorin eyed the vehicle suspiciously. DJ looked at him and raised her eyebrows, "What?"

Thorin poked the car and then wondered where his sword went, "You have control over this mighty beast?"

Briar said flatly, "Yes, now get in." They watched as he got into the car and Briar showed him how the seatbelt worked, "This keeps you from flying out of the car if you get into a car accident."

Thorin was suddenly not so sure about this, he didn't know what a car accident was, but it didn't sound like a very nice thing to be in. DJ drove out of the driveway slowly, she was an excellent driver, but Thorin had never been in a car before. He was gripping the seatbelt and his eyes were as wide as saucers. He was sure this was just a way to kill him.

DJ pulled into the parking lot and got out, Briar close behind. They stopped when they realized that Thorin was still frozen in place. The two sisters looked at each other then went back to rescue Thorin.

Briar opened the door and unhooked his seatbelt, "Okay, you are free." She stepped back as Thorin stumbled out of the car, looking shell shocked from his ordeal.

DJ shook her head and led the way into the store, "Whatever, you two just follow me."

* * *

Marie was just a little annoyed that she had to babysit the blonde guy. She wouldn't want to babysit the Bane of her Life either, he was much more annoying. Marie sighed and led the way out the door, "Come, Fili. We must go on a quest to find you normal guy clothes."

Fili followed Marie silently, unaware that you didn't normally walk everywhere. Marie was, however. She was used to walking everywhere. Marie was trying to warm up to him, she just didn't like massive changes.

Marie finally looked over at Fili and tried to make conversation, "You lived in Middle Earth. Right? What was it like there?"

Fili appeared thoughtful and replied, "Yes, it was a wonderful place. But it was full of danger of all sorts. Dragons killed most of my people, when we were taken away myself, my brother, and Thorin were killed."

"So you were given a second chance?"

"I guess you could see it like that."

* * *

Alice put on hiking boots and laced them up while Kili learned how to tie his shoes quickly. Alice glanced up at Kili as she tied her boots, "Are you ready to go? You will probably have to come to work with me too, I will have to teach you how to use the microwave and oven later."

Kili was obviously ready, he was ready long before her, "Yes, I am ready. Lets go." He walked to the door and Alice finished up her shoes quick and followed him out the door. Kili was about to start walking when Alice stopped him, "Wait! We are going to take the car, okay?"

Kili looked at the big vehicle and had close to the same reaction that Thorin did, "And you have control of this mighty beast?"

Alice laughed and whacked Kili on the back, "It isn't alive. It is actually quite complected. I will get you a book about it."

Kili climbed into the car tentatively and asked about the seatbelt, "What is this thing's purpose?"

Alice smiled and got in to her side after shutting his door. She demonstrated, "You put it in there and it keeps you from getting hurt if we crash."

Kili still didn't quite understand the purpose of the car and commented, "So this is how the car reproduces?"

Alice stared at him for a few seconds then said, "No. No it isn't. The car is not alive." She inserted the keys and started the car, Kili was making an effort not to be freaked out at this point.

Alice hoped he would be used to it by the end of the day.


	7. Chapter 7

Three dwarves in America?

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is my way of rescuing these dwarves. _I am not a fan-girl and I will not do a self insert_ for this one. I am pairing them with OCs I will make as I go. Most of my stories are made on a whim.**

**Comment: My greatest apologize for not mentioning the dwarves enough. I have been trying to give both parties an equal time, but apparently I have failed.**

**Guest Reviewer: You are a guest and I have the ability to turn the reviews off. If you continue to post antagonizing remarks I will turn them off. Read the summery. Read the underlined part in the disclaimer. If this was a self insert, Thorin would be dead. You are not giving the story time to develop. I am not a magician. **

Chapter.

Kili wasn't sure about these new clothes. He heard that he would have to get a job and work for an employer. He had done this before in middle earth, not the same way as he would have to do here. Alice drove him around while he looked for a job, she was planning on teaching him to drive later. Kili applied at Kmart, Aldis, The Dollar Store, and Tim Hortens. He needed some help with some of the questions on the application, some of these were strange to him.

Alice was dozing off at the table while Kili filled out his final application on the computer. He had learned relatively fast after he decided that the computer was not a strange sorcery. Kili had almost destroyed it with the bread knife. Kili was amazed that Fili and Marie were not home yet, if anyone he thought they would be home first.

Fili and Marie came into the room next with a couple big bags of clothes. Marie grumbled, "He is very picky." She let Fili take them up to his room then put a few applications on the table, "He insisted I tell him how jobs work here. So I told him and gave him a couple applications. And I got a couple for myself, DJ will tolerate me for a little while."

It was suddenly like all heck broke loose as Thorin stormed into the room and yelled about inane women, "These women are insane! They are a bad representation of the female gender! They gave me dresses to try on! They deceived me!" He growled and hissed about the atrocities that he went through. He should have known not to do dresses, but it did make Alice pause and ask herself what the two did. They both did have evil tendencies.

Briar came in and handed the bags to Thorin, "Stop grumbling like a cranky old man and take this upstairs." DJ walked in and without a word threw the other two bags unto the pile in Thorin's arms.

DJ put four applications on the table for Thorin, "Okay, dude. When you come down you need to fill these out for me. I need you to get a job. Since I work at a fast food restaurant, Alice is a nature photographer, and Briar is a waitress, you boys need to pick up some of the slack. We can't pay for the house, food, ect, if you don't help."

Thorin nodded once and almost collided with his nephew as Fili came down the stairs. Fili walked around his uncle and went to the table to fill put the application, he wondered about the jail history and was informed that he probably didn't have one.

Thorin came back down the stairs and also started on his applications, not enjoying this. His hand writing was very neat and tidy, he had that going for him. Employers often look at the tidiness of handwriting.

"You guys are lucky, you have experience in some things. I had a terrible time finding a job because I had no experience." DJ said as she looked at her watch, "It is my shift, I should get going. Alice, Briar, and Marie will help y'all. Good luck." She walked out of the room and got into her car, grumbling as she tried to start it.

It wasn't a new car, it was a 1995, 12 passenger van. Technically non-green and most people hated it. But since DJ was anti-social anyways, it made her very happy.


End file.
